Thoughts from the Alt-Middle Part 2: War

I don’t consider myself to be a Republican or a Democrat. I tend to take all of my social and political issues on a case-by-case basis. I don’t think I’m better than anyone for that. I’m just reasonable. And with all this talk about the alt-right and alt-left destroying mainstream politics, there’s another group out there who has begun to feel left out. We are the alt-middle.

It seems like every day North Korea makes a super anime-style threat about firing a missile at the United States. On one side, you have a group of Americans who really want to blow North Korea off the map. On the other side, you have a group of people who are really worried about the President’s mental instability and ability to handle a foreign crisis. But let’s keep a few things in mind here:

3. South Korea

If by some small chance North Korea does launch a missile, South Korea will knock it out of the sky so fast we won’t have time to figure out whether or not it was another failed test or an actual attack. South Korea has practically been begging the North to take the first swing for years.

Come on. I want you to do it. Come on. Hit me.

We also can’t exactly nuke North Korea because it would mess up a lot of things in South Korea, who gives us Samsung and Kia and we’d really like to keep getting those things.

2. Japan

Japan knows what we can do, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Japan has been sending messages to North Korea like, “Dude, trust us, you don’t want to do this.”

Trust us.

And even if it does happen, Japan is on our side now and they’d get to the Koreans before we could. The ocean is really big.

1. China

China doesn’t want to lose us as a trading partner because we basically keep their entire economy afloat. If we go to war with North Korea, China basically has to take their side, or fight against both sides, and then that puts all of the money we owe them into question.

This isn’t racist is it?

On the other hand, that’s probably a genius move. We go to war with North Korea and China, start World War III, totally destroy everything, and part of China’s war reparations is to forgive us of all of our debt. Best business deal ever.

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