Everything You Need Can Kill You

Every few years, various studies come out that contradict what a previous study said. Sometimes, even within the same year, a different study will tout the benefits of something that is extremely bad for you in a different way. For example, a 2013 study concluded that eating pizza can reduce your risk of colon cancer by 26% and mouth cancer by 34%.

Additionally, there are some health professionals that claim milk causes cancer, some that claim it helps you lose weight, and some that claim neither of those things. But that’s not even the worst part…

The Sun Is Killing You

Did you know that getting sunburn just once every two years triples your odds of getting skin cancer? You have to be out in the sun every day. You can’t escape it unless you covered every inch of your body in something. But who wants to live like that? The kids who stay inside and play Minecraft all day are on to something. At least they’re avoiding the cancers.

Water Is Killing You

Obviously you don’t want to just plop yourself into the ocean because you’ll drown. But you do need water to live. I try to drink 80 ounces of water every day, but even that’s probably killing me.

Not too innacurate

Dehydration is no fun. But water intoxication is also a real thing. If you drink too much water too fast, your kidneys won’t be able to filter all of it. Soon, the water backs up into your lungs and brain and you die. And even if you drink in moderation, there are all the chemicals in the pipes and containers that will eventually kill you. You can’t win.

Doing Nothing Will Also Kill You

So obviously the answer to all of this is to do nothing. You can just exist. And everything will be okay. Oh, wait, nope. Can’t do that either because a 2008 study revealed that 5.3 million people died from doing nothing.

Well he’s just doing everything wrong.

So eat all the pizza, drink all the milk, get all the sunburn, drink all the chemical water. It doesn’t matter because you’re going to die anyway. Might as well do what you want and die happy.


%d bloggers like this: