Hey buddy, I bet you’re pretty freaked out right about now. Donald Trump is the President. Yeah, the guy that made a cameo in Home Alone 2, has been mercilessly mocked for running several companies into the ground, starred in his own TV show, and pretty much single-handedly destroyed the USFL. Now he’s the President. He holds the same position guys like Lincoln, Washington, and Roosevelt held. Crazy, right?
You might be thinking that this is about as bad as it gets. That there’s no possible way America has been any weirder than it is right now. Well, that’s because you didn’t pay attention in history class. Either that, or your education system (like mine) was so atrocious that it just decided to give you the highlights of what some former Presidents were all about. Well guess what? Even though I’m usually a cynical kind of guy, I actually find the good in life when everyone else is all depressed. In short, things have been worse. Trump isn’t an anomaly of any kind. For example:
5. John F. Kennedy Had a LOT of Affairs
Remember during the campaign when audio leaked of Trump saying he was grabbing women by the ham wallet? Well, in case you weren’t aware, JFK was doing that a whole heck of a lot more than Trump and everybody was pretty cool with it. I guess it’s because Kennedy is much better looking.
In addition to dropping some dong on the likes of Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, and Angie Dickenson, he also gave it out to interns, models, nurses, writers, painters, and pretty much anything with a squish mitten. Based on all we know, Trump was just grabbing women. JFK was going the distance.
4. Ronald Reagan Was an Actor (and a Cheerleader Before That)
Trump isn’t the first television star to make it to the White House. Ronald Reagan, also known as your aging parents’ favorite president ever, was pretty influential in Hollywood and starred in a few things.
But even more scandalous…he was a college cheerleader. I’m pretty sure every male college cheerleader is gay. RIGHT, FOX NEWS???? And if they’re not gay, then clearly they’re mega perverts who like looking up at those special underwears cheerleaders are wearing (I clearly know nothing about cheerleading attire). At least the only thing Trump did was grab women by the…. Okay I think you get it.
3. Gerald Ford Was a Supermodel
Remember Gerald Ford? Of course you don’t! He pardoned Nixon and that’s about it. But before that, he was a supermodel.
Do you think a male supermodel could become President today? Of course not! No male supermodel is remotely smart enough to run a country. Isn’t that right, Guy Who Believes Every Stereotype Applies to Everyone?
2. John Quincy Adams Believed Dumb Things
We kinda scoff at Trump for thinking it’s entirely possible to make Mexico pay for a wall. But John Quincy Adams believed that the Earth was hollow and was pretty sure there was a colony of crab people or something like that beneath the surface that we could trade (i.e, capture, exile, and take over their lands) with.
Adams was so confident in this idea that he authorized an expedition to the North Pole where the entrance to the underworld was supposedly located. Unfortunately, the expedition never took place because Adams was replaced by Andrew Jackson, who canceled the mission because he believed the world was flat – in 1830.
If that doesn’t seem weird to you, John Quincy Adams was also a big fan of skinny dipping, because that’s a presidential thing to do.
1. Lyndon B. Johnson Loved His Johnson
Lyndon B. Johnson, who took over the presidency after Kennedy was assassinated, was allegedly quite jealous of Kennedy’s vast escapades with the ladies. Unfortunately, Johnson wasn’t as good looking as Kennedy, but he was still able to rack up a hefty number that included a plethora of “private secretaries” and two additional mistresses.
But he kinda had a reason to be a womanizer. He had a giant dong – one which he affectionately referred to as “Jumbo.” He often used it as an intimidation tactic with foreign dignitaries to assert his status as having the biggest ween in politics. He enjoyed whipping it out and peeing in public whenever the urge struck him.
On one such occasion, when a cabinet member asked him why the US was still at war in Vietnam (a conflict Johnson was actually opposed to), Johnson dropped his pants, plopped his dong on the table and exclaimed, “THIS IS WHY!”
Even Trump isn’t that audacious.