Getting hurt is never fun. And of all the ways you can hurt yourself, some are easier and less creative than others. I, personally, don’t like pain and I’ll do whatever I can to avoid it. But sometimes things happen. Mistakes get made, precautions aren’t taken, and things go downhill fast.
4. Hot Sauce Burns
Back when I thought I could be famous on YouTube, I made a video with my brother where we both tried Mad Dog 357, which at the time was the hottest hot sauce on the market. It was terrible. It tasted bad. Our eyes watered. Our mouths burned. I didn’t realize I had gotten some sauce on my finger, and I went to wipe the tears from my eyes. I think you know what happened next.
When I wiped my eye, I didn’t just get the eye. I ran my finger down the entire side of my face because I’m a moron. In a matter of seconds, it felt like I had mashed my face up against a hot grill. And there’s no real way to fix that.
3. Breaking a Toe
Toes aren’t a thing you really think about until they start hurting. Ingrown toenails are no fun, but I feel like those are pretty common. Toes also pretty easy to break since they’re just hanging out in front of your feet all the time.
So let’s say, for example, your little brother is chasing you down the hall and you try to make a hard right into the living room. Everything is great except for the brick fireplace that juts out into the room and the two toes at the end of your foot catch the corner. Say goodbye to walking like a normal person for the next few months.
2. Full Body Cramps
Cramps occur when your body just decides it’s had enough of your neglect and attempts to revolt against you by forcing your muscles to contract and tense up way more than they should. Usually it’s just one muscle, like your hamstring or your calf. But sometimes your entire body just sends a big F-U to you because you don’t take care of yourself. How do you get the cramps to stop? You figure out how to stretch your body to make it work.
Want to experience it for yourself? Don’t hydrate and then go out in the heat and run around for about 5 hours. Then when you’re done, just sit still for about an hour in a cool room. Don’t ice yourself. Don’t stretch. Do nothing. Then try moving again. You won’t even be able to stand up straight before 4 different parts of your body lock up and drop you to the floor, where 3 other parts of your body join the fun. The next 30 minutes are spent drenched in a cold sweat as you contort yourself in every possible way you can think of to make the pain go away.
1. Kidney Stones
Unless you really just want to experience it, kidney stones are more of a hereditary issue than something you can manufacture (though you can still try drinking nothing but milk for a while and hope for the best). In my case, my body naturally produces them, and a common misconception is that the worst part of a kidney stone is when you pee it out. Don’t get me wrong, that sucks, but it’s quick and over in a few seconds. Instead, the hard part is getting it from your kidney to your bladder.
Just in case you forgot how bodies work, each kidney is connected to your bladder by a tiny, narrow tube. That works really well when the only thing in there is liquid. But if you throw a tiny little rock made of calcium, uric acid, or something else, it makes things so much worse. Also, these things aren’t smooth little pond rocks. Oftentimes, if you look at them through a microscope, you’ll see they are covered in tiny spikes like they’re part of a motorcycle gang. If you don’t have a prescription strength narcotic with you, you’re in for the longest, worst day of your life. It’s like rolling up a spitball, pushing it into a straw, and then trying to blow it out the full length of the straw. Even more, it feels like you’ve been stabbed with a rusty, barbed railroad spike and it’s pretty well lodged into your back.