I do a lot of driving. A lot of people do, too. And sometimes there are people out there who are giant peckerheads that believe the road belongs to them and we’re all just in the way. Now, I’m not sure if you know this about me or not, but I can be a real prick sometimes, and driving like a moron around me is a sure fire way to launch me into Super Dick Mode. If you’re going to provoke me for no reason, I’m going to make you regret it. Because that tends to happen with regularity (especially in a big city like Charlotte), I’ve compiled a set of creative, passive aggressive ways to really piss off the other driver that really deserves to hit a guardrail and roll down a ravine.
These tips are after you’ve exhausted a few standard tactics like boxing someone in, flashing your lights, brake-checking, or making gestures out of the back window – because let’s be honest, these don’t work. You’re showing the other driver that you’re aware of his existence and that they already occupy a space in your head. At that point they may have already beaten you. But not so fast. It’s time to get a little more creative and ruin this guy’s day.
4. At a Stoplight
Let’s start in the city or maybe on a suburban highway. Maybe your new adversary is late for work (or rushing home). He’s tailgated you for the last couple of miles and you’ve decided to ride beside that 18-wheeler even though it scares you to death because 18-wheelers are scary like that. You come to a stoplight. You look in the mirror. His knuckles are white from gripping the steering wheel with all of his might. He’s mumbling something – probably about how terrible of a driver you are.
The light turns green and you…sit there. One second. Two seconds. The semi has begun to crawl away. The key here is to wait for the guy to blow the horn. Then wait a couple seconds longer before you pull away. The only thing this accomplishes is that it makes him angrier and puts the thought in his mind that you’re just a complete idiot that doesn’t know how to drive. Little does he know that you’re about to make his day so much worse.
3. At an Intersection
This one can be fun to do whether you’ve got someone on your bumper or not. Let’s say you’re on a two-lane road and you come to an intersection where you want to make a turn. In reality, you want to turn right, but instead you flick on the left-turn signal. Either way, just make sure you’re going in the same direction as the guy you’re trying to piss off.
Do this enough and you’ll actually gain the upper hand here because the guy behind you either develops concern that you don’t know what you’re doing, or that you don’t know how your car works. Either way, he’s now more confused than angry, and that in turn makes him more upset.
2. Changing Lanes
So you’re back out on the highway. You’re trying to get around a slower car. You’re already going 10 over the speed limit. But that’s not enough for the guy behind you. That’s kind of annoying and generally unsafe. If you brake-checked him hard enough, he’d slam into the back of you. But you don’t want that because he probably won’t give you his insurance, which probably sucks anyway. So you give in and get back in the slow lane to let him speed off to whatever dismal existence he needs to get to. But…
You make that lane change as slow and as excruciating as possible. Chances are he’s going to speed up almost immediately and zoom around you because he thinks he’s cool like that. But when you’re still taking up half of his lane, he can’t do that unless he swerves onto the shoulder. And hopefully he does because maybe he’ll run over a nail, blow a tire, and roll into a ditch.
1. The Wiper Fluid
If none of that works and you’re feeling super passive aggressive, you can choose to stay in front of the guy and just be a complete jerk. You have a weapon at your disposal that’s not unlike a chain gun on a fighter jet.
Just turn it on and let it go. The spray coming over the top of your car will blow onto his windshield (bonus points if his windows are down). This forces him to use his windshield wipers, which will probably just smear everything on his windshield because it’s not enough water to clean anything. Plus, it may count as biological warfare.
The best part of all of these methods is that nobody gets assaulted and nobody gets on the local news. In the end, you win because you ruined the other guy’s day, and he thinks he wins because he eventually gets by you. But secretly, you win forever.