Despite what I may have said before, I don’t really dislike people. As I’ve explained, I’m just really introverted and simply saying I don’t like people takes far less energy than trying to explain how I really feel. That being said, there are certain kinds of people walking the planet that deserve to get hit with a shovel. The nice thing about this is these people are completely independent of race, social class, or any other identifying characteristic we use to separate people. These turds come in all shapes and sizes.
5. Zero Spatial Awareness Guy
This guy can appear in many forms. Maybe he’s your upstairs apartment neighbor who freely stomps around his apartment either the first thing in the morning or very late at night. Either way, it only happens when you’re in bed. He also slams the door, moves furniture every three days, and stomps going up and down the stairs.
Or maybe he’s the guy at the concert that doesn’t realize he’s 350 and moshing in a room that’s half the size of a public school restroom. That’s okay buddy, I’m sure everyone will take the appropriate measures to avoid your violently swinging limbs.
Maybe you’re the guy at the game who thinks it’s perfectly normal to shout profanities at the players and officials because he thinks he’s at a pro game when really he’s at his kid’s Little League game and he can’t separate reality from his abandoned dreams (because he had the kid in the first place).
4. Obnoxiously Big Truck Guy
If you live in a rural area, you know this guy well. His truck, more often than not, is at least 5 years old, and he’s replaced the suspension with a more massive frame that requires you to use a step ladder just to get into the cabin. He has also added bigger tires that can almost be used for a tractor and re-fitted the exhaust into something that sounds much like like a jet engine idling on the runway in an attempt to make sure you know he’s coming.
As a bonus, Obnoxiously Big Truck Guy still uses a hard R when referring to black people, uses phrases like “them there,” and is almost always wearing some form of camo. And to make sure you know he’s extra trashy, he’ll add either a Browning deer or Salt Life sticker on the back window. It’s also not out of the realm of possibility to fly a Rebel flag in the bed from time to time.
And maybe you’re Obnoxiously Big Truck Guy (probably not – Obnoxiously Big Truck Guys don’t read). Just know that everyone you pass on the road hates you and whole-heartedly believes you have a tiny wiener.
3. Your Fault You Don’t Like My Kid Girl
These girls are generally no older than 23, and they’re carrying a bit of bitterness because they had to put their dreams of becoming a dog groomer on hold because they couldn’t keep it in their pants. So of course they’re a single parent, but they’re looking for a stepdaddy to come in and make all of their dreams come true.
But here’s the catch – they can’t simply accept the fact that you’re NOT interested in them (primarily because you don’t want to have a kid in your life). The entire fact that you’re not interested BECAUSE she has a kid somehow makes you a terrible person. This girl typically says things like “Me and my son are a package deal, so if you ain’t with that then get to steppin'” or something similarly obnoxious.
This is also the same girl that talks incessantly about the joys and blessings of being a parent. However, when you tell her you’re expecting a child, she immediately starts tearing your world apart by talking about how pregnancy will destroy your body and that you’ll never sleep again.
2. Giant Hole in Ear Guy
I’ve run in some circles in my day, and in the deep reaches of the heavy metal circuit are a group of people who, for some reason, like to do this to their ears…
I don’t know what would possess someone to do this. I don’t know why you don’t take two seconds to think about the long-term impacts of what you’re about to do. And maybe that whole band thing is going to work out. You’ll be world famous and won’t end up working the night shift as a Waffle House line cook – because that’s the best you’re going to get looking like that.
1. Down for Anything Girl
Talking to people is hard, especially when the other person refuses to contribute much to the conversation either because they’re disinterested or is so awful that they have nothing to provide. Take, for example, this actual conversation I had with a girl:
Me: Who are some of your favorite bands?
Her: Oh I listen to pretty much anything.
Me: Okay then. What’s your favorite food?
Her: I’ll eat pretty much anything.
Me: What do you like to do for fun?
Her: I’m down for anything.
Me: Oh okay, so a possible outing for you involves riding a unicycle down a gravel path while listening to Tibetan throat singing and eating one of your dog’s turds you popped in the microwave?
I didn’t say that last part even though I wanted to. It’s just baffling how some people can be so devoid of a personality that they can’t answer a simple question. I consider myself to be an easygoing guy when it comes to going along with other people’s plans, but I can at least answer a question about what I like the most when someone asks in an attempt to get to know me.