John Makes You Mad Part 4: Some People Are the Worst

Since we’re well into another wonderful (read: terrible) election season, I thought I’d join the ruckus of self-entitled nitwits spewing their opinion online as if people actually cared and as if what I have to say is really that important. Also, because sometimes I just like being a prick, I wanted to say a lot of things that really outraged a select group of people because that’s fun for me. But please understand this: Nothing in this series is my way of taking a stand one way or another, even though it probably seems like it. Rather, I’m simply questioning why such things are even a big deal.

For the last few years people have been saying things like “We don’t need another politician in the White House. We need an outsider.” Well, in this election cycle, you got one and it was dumbfounding how many people were okay with that. I’ll admit, I was one of the people who said we didn’t need a politician, but then I realized that the political game was so stupid that only politicians could actually play it, and that the only thing an outsider could do was expose A) how dumb a sizable chunk of the country is and B) how dumb politics are in general. Mission accomplished.

I have a lot of Republican friends and I’m sure those who have stuck it out in this series have vehemently disagreed with a good chunk of what I’ve said. But the nice part about it is that the majority of you, whether you agree with me or not, respect my opinion and are able to have a civil dialogue about things.

But there are some of you that are outraged and can’t accept it. Whatever I’ve said has stirred so much emotion in you that you feel the need to disagree with me and think bad things about me all because I see the world differently than you do. You are the problem. You feel the need to push your agenda on others because you believe you are right and everyone else is wrong. (How is that different from what I’m doing? I’m not forcing it on anyone, you voluntarily showed up here.)

And I get it, your political affiliation is in disarray. Republicans nowadays are spending so much time focusing on social issues that don’t even affect them rather than actually doing what needs to be done to make America great again (see what I did there?). The three big social issues that people are freaking out about right now are drugs, abortion, gay marriage.

Make sure you’re sitting down for this bombshell: I am not a pothead, I am not gay, and I am not a woman (I double-checked). None of those issues are going to affect me whatsoever. Let’s take a closer look as to why they aren’t going to affect you either.

Issue #1: Legalized Weed

There’s some sort of paranoia that if weed is legalized, then everyone will start moving on to cocaine or heroin. Probably not. Have you seen how lazy potheads are? Moving to a new drug takes too much work. Legalizing weed will create jobs and spur economic growth because you can designate weed growers to spend all of their time and research into growing the dankest weed ever made, which then benefits the potheads.

The fast food industry will explode because people who’s brain cells are all but vaporized won’t have the skill set to do much else and the pot use will make people get the munchies and crave a bunch of cheap, greasy food (that will also be all they can afford since they spent the rest of their money on the weeds).

Also known as every town in Eastern North Carolina.

Also known as every town in Eastern North Carolina.

But I can see where some people are hesitant. What if people come to work high? What if people start driving high or walking around high?

The solution:

You realize you can treat marijuana like alcohol, right? You can’t drive drunk. You can’t show up to work drunk. Public intoxication is a crime. Problem solved. Next.

Issue #2: Gay Marriage

How are two dudes or two ladies getting married really going to affect you? It’s not like you ever had a chance with any of them because they weren’t attracted to you in the first place. They’re destroying the sanctity of marriage, you say? What about half of all of those marriages that end in divorce, effectively breaking the vow they had with God? That’s not peeing all over the sanctity of marriage is it?

The solution:

If you’re one of the 5 uptight, homophobic small business owners in the world that provides cakes or catering or decorations for weddings, you have two options. First, pawn them off on your competition. Lie and say you don’t have the capacity to do it. If you can’t turn down the fat check the gays want to pay out, just poison the cake. Not enough so that it would kill the newly gay couple, but just enough so that the reception gets super awkward.

For the rest of you, don’t attend the wedding. I know that’s a revolutionary idea, but you and I both know that even straight weddings are gross as it is. No one wants to sit through 15 minutes of awkward love songs, followed by 15 minutes of awkward vow exchanges, followed by 3 hours of room temperature food and drunken dancing.

Issue #3: Abortion

So this one is a big deal and I get that. For what it’s worth, if I ever found myself in that position, my response would be, “Hey, maybe you shouldn’t do that.” But it’s not my body and it’s not my choice. As a man first, and a human being second, it’s really not my place to tell someone what they can or cannot do, not only with their own body, but with their own life in general. And that’s really the heart of all of these social issues. Why do we feel the need to impose our way of life on someone else? If you believe in equality, then you should believe in everyone’s right to make their own decisions no matter how stupid you think they are.

The solution:

Righteous indignation. We all know you think you’re better than everyone else. Other people can feel your judgment. We also know you get a big ol’ ego boner every time someone walks around with the guilt of whatever sin you think they’ve committed. Trust me, they know you don’t agree with their life choices. No one does. But that’s their weight to bear. You don’t need to make it worse.

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