John Makes You Mad Part 2: Gun Control

Since we’re well into another wonderful (read: terrible) election season, I thought I’d join the ruckus of self-entitled nitwits spewing their opinion online as if people actually cared and as if what I have to say is really that important. Also, because sometimes I just like being a prick, I wanted to say a lot of things that really outraged a select group of people because that’s fun for me. But please understand this: Nothing in this series is my way of taking a stand one way or another, even though it probably seems like it. Rather, I’m simply questioning why such things are even a big deal.

I recently watched a Jim Jeffries stand up special and he made some great points about some of the hot political issues in America (much of which is covered in the rest of this series). One such issue was gun control, which is striking because he’s Australian so he has a solid outsider’s view of how things are in America.

I grew up in a rural area, and when Obama was elected there was a misguided notion that he was going to take everyone’s guns. This was ridiculous because a black person would never think of taking guns from anyone. Black people get guns as a 17th birthday present. (Calm down, these are just jokes.) Also, I have yet to find a reputable, unbiased news source that says anything about the government banning guns. It’s all coming from conservative news outlets who are fear mongering and pandering to conspiracy nuts (but that’s a discussion for another time).

Let me be clear: I am all for owing a gun. A, one, singular, gun. If you enjoy killing animals because it makes you feel like God, then I’m all for you having a hunting gun in addition to your handgun. But if you feel the need to start buying as many guns as your poverty stricken paycheck will allow because you think the government is coming to get your guns, you’re probably not the kind of person who is mentally suited to own a gun.

No, I need all of these because...reasons.

No, I need all of these because…reasons.

The issue of gun control is controversial because the biggest arguments people make as to why they SHOULD own (all the) guns are so full of holes that it’s easy to shoot them all down (pun totally intended). For example…

1. “It’s my 2nd Amendment right!”

You do know what the word “amendment” means, don’t you? In case you don’t, an amendment is a change or an addition to a document. MEANING, the 2nd Amendment was added to the Constitution as part of the Bill of Rights, which are the first 10 amendments. In other words, when the Constitution was written, a group of guys were immediately like, “Whoa, let’s change and add some more stuff and then we’ll be good.”

Also, just because it’s an amendment doesn’t really mean diddly squat because all Congress has to do is write up an amendment repealing the 2nd amendment. Don’t think there’s precedent for that? Might I remind you of the 18th Amendment, which prohibited the production and sale of alcohol. This was law for 16 years before it was repealed by the 21st Amendment. Don’t think it can’t happen again (even though it won’t because that’s political suicide).

2. “I’m a responsible gun owner!”

Sure, you shouldn’t be punished for what a couple of whackadoos did, but certainly you can understand why the rest of us are a little on edge, right? But of course you clean your gun(s) regularly. Of course you’ve taken all the proper safety classes. Of course you use the proper shooting technique. Of course you keep your guns locked up in a safe. You are certainly responsible, and you should be commended. But guess what? There were some other people who used that same line of thinking back in, oh, let’s say the 1860s.

Responsible slave ownership?

Responsible slave ownership?

“Why is the government coming to take away my slaves? I’m a responsible slave owner. My slaves are cleaned. They have a safe work environment. I even keep them locked up so they don’t get out.” But seriously, your guns are fine.

3. “I only use my guns for self-defense!”

And maybe you do. But if you do, you aren’t a responsible gun owner because let’s think about this: If you keep your guns locked in a safe, guess who isn’t going give you time to go unlock your safe to defend yourself? The guy breaking into your house.

But of all of these excuses, I can understand this one the most. I grew up in a rural area and over the last 20 years and it’s become less and less safe. You never know when some gacked out meth head is going to come busting through your door to steal all your stuff in order to get money to buy more drugs. Hell, it happened to me twice. I get it. You know who else gets it? The government. Because they’re not going to touch your guns. So calm down.

With all that being said, there is a single solution to all of this madness…

Those I know who are all about guns certainly are responsible gun owners. They are safe. They keep them clean. They keep them out of reach of children. All of it. But collectively, as a society, we are only as strong as our weakest link. And there are a lot of weak links. That’s why we have to enact laws protecting us from the weak links.

Think about it, we should all be able to drive as fast as we can or take all the drugs we want, but because there’s a small percentage of the population that can’t handle it, we have to have laws restricting what we can do. You have no reason to be mad at the government because they’re trying to protect you from some sort of Mad Max apocalypse. You have to be mad at the halfwits that can’t do life right.

So if you don’t want to have these laws, you have to get rid of the people holding society back. You can take the more humane route and round all of them up and send them to an island somewhere, or you can go full on Mecha-Hitler and kill everyone that can’t do anything right. Obviously neither of those things will happen, so you just have to accept the fact that there will be laws that might restrict you from doing everything you want to do and be happy that you can even do anything at all.

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