I want to preface this by saying I’m not mad about losing the Super Bowl because in all honesty this would have happened if the Panthers had won – probably on an even more ridiculous scale. I’m doing this because I like making Cowboys fans angry.
I actually used to not mind the Cowboys. In fact, I really didn’t care about them. Now I take a sick, giddy, maniacal pleasure in watching them lose. And it’s not because Jerry Jones is a cretin or Tony Romo is a walking ceramic figurine, rather it’s because the overwhelming majority of their fans are the most moronic, delusional, short-sighted people inhabiting the planet. They are the ISIS of NFL fans. They are the Donald Trump supporters of NFL fans. What Ebola was to West Africa, so are Dallas Cowboys fans to the rest of the NFL.
Of course I’m not harboring blind hatred. I have logical reasons that I wholly expect the Cowboys fans in my life to argue with and deny, most likely throwing the same empty, blanket statements to each one like “Oh sorry we’re just the best,” or “How many rings y’all got?” or “You just mad because we’re America’s team.” But I know you can’t help it. You just suck.
4. Most of Them Have Never Even Been to Dallas
This is really just a general gripe I have with sports fans in general and in all honesty is probably just my personal problem. However, if you’re a Cowboys fan that has never even been to Dallas, that’s kind of a problem because that means you like the Cowboys because someone told you that you should like the Cowboys. If that’s you, then you’re also probably the kind of person who votes Republican (or Democrat — hahaha just kidding there are no Democrat Cowboys fans) because your parents are Republicans. In other words, you don’t tend to make decisions on your own.
There’s also a solid faction of Cowboys fans that probably couldn’t point out the city of Dallas (technically Arlington because politics) on an unmarked map.
But I can’t really fault you for that. There’s probably a majority of Alabama fans that can’t find Tuscaloosa (or spell it) on a map. But that’s more of a mark against the US education system than it is on you as a person.
3. They’re Holding on to the Glory Days of the 90s
The Cowboys won 3 Super Bowls in the 90s (but as a Cowboys fan you already knew that). And that’s great. Congratulations. What an accomplishment. Do you know what their record has been since the 1995 season when they last won the Super Bowl? 162-158. Whew boy that’s a great team right there (“Looks like a winning record to me!”).
And yes, I will give you credit – Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin, and Emmitt Smith were a great trio. Jimmy Johnson was a good coach. But that’s over now, and it’s not coming back. Tony Romo, Dez Bryant, and whatever criminal you have at running back isn’t the same and it never will be.
2. They Think They’re Going to the Super Bowl Every Year
Ask any Cowboys fan their prediction for next year’s Super Bowl beginning on the day after the Super Bowl. Who’s it gonna be? Cowboys vs. who? The Patriots? Steelers? Broncos? It doesn’t matter that they got a top 10 draft pick, their quarterback had his collarbone bolted back together for a 5th time, or half of their backups got arrested in the offseason, they are adamant this THIS IS THEIR YEAR.
And even when they come to the realization that they probably won’t even make the playoffs (usually around week 6), the tone changes, but only slightly. “NEXT YEAR FOR SURE BRO.”
1. They Talk Trash 365 Days a Year
I’ll admit, I didn’t expect the Panthers to go 17-2 this year. I thought they were a 9-7 team at best and would flunk out in the Wild Card Round. I have friends who are Steelers, Redskins, Lions, Vikings, Ravens, and Patriots fans. But guess what? All throughout the year, even as their teams had varying levels of success, I did not see a single ounce of trash talk from any of them throughout the season, and most 4 of those 6 teams made the playoffs.
But do you know who I heard from? Cowboys fans. Every time the Panthers won, there was some excuse. The happiest moments for Cowboys fans this year came against the Panthers’ loss to the Falcons (“HA! I knew you weren’t going undefeated. You’ll lose first round of the playoffs!!”) even though at that point I don’t know if many Cowboys fans knew who their starting quarterback was.
Even during and after the Super Bowl, the only people talking trash were Cowboys fans. I’d understand if it were Seahawks or Cardinals fans – teams the Panthers decimated in the playoffs – but instead it was fans from a 4-12 team that got blasted on Thanksgiving. They were criticizing Cam hardcore about being a sore loser, but for a team that hasn’t won much in 20 years, it’s clear who the real losers are.