3 Things I Never Knew About Life

I know a little about a lot of different things. Got a grammar question? I have an answer. Need to know the likelihood of a tornado based on the direction a thunderstorm is going? I got you. I can even make an educated guess on what’s wrong with your car or what kind of disease you have based on your symptoms. That being said, there are finer aspects of life I was completely unaware of.

3. Drunk Driving Is Super Common

Did you know that, on average, 1.5 million people are arrested for DUI in the US every year? That’s insane. I only came to the realization that more people drank than those who didn’t a couple of years ago. I was raised on the notion that only a small minority of incredibly terrible, hell bound people drank. But now I realize how Bud Light can afford all that advertising – nearly 90% of adults drink.

This ad paid for itself in 10 seconds.

This ad paid for itself in 10 seconds.

So I really shouldn’t be surprised to eavesdrop on conversations about how people…who have children, and jobs, and everything…not only have multiple DUI arrests on their record, but brag about how many arrests they’ve gotten out of either on technicalities, incompetent police officers, or sheer luck. Even more, it’s entirely common for someone to drive down the road with a cup full of booze like it’s no big deal. They’re everywhere, and based on the statistics I just learned, I wouldn’t be surprised if more people really weren’t drinking coffee from their mugs on their morning commutes.

2. Strippers Are Easily Accessible

I know what you’re thinking, “Duh, just go to a strip club.” But here’s the thing – no. Obviously you can go to strip clubs, but apparently they’re also at bars because they network really well. They’re also quite open to the idea of any random Joe walking them home in a blackout. Usually this sort of lifestyle only occurs in your college years because I assume it’s a little more tragic once you live in the real world, but what do I know?

1. Beer Isn’t Technically a Drink

Yeah I know it’s a liquid and yeah I know you consume it like you do water or soda, but I’ve never heard of any other substance you consume when you aren’t even thirsty. You want to get together and watch kids be annoying? Not really. We’ll sit around and drink beer. Oh for real? I’ll be right over! A 12-pack is like an alternative form of currency, and beer is the only thing you can call “piss water” and still happily drink – and no one really has an answer as to why.

Alcohol is the only reason we like each other!

Alcohol is the only reason we like each other!

I don’t understand it. Sometimes when I hear people talk about the different styles of beer, it sounds like they’re trying to convince themselves of which beer tastes the least awful. “Oh this one is too hoppy, this one is a little bitter, but it’s also really smooth, and this one is very oaky and sweet.” Cool story bro. But no, I’m the weirdo for not wanting to spend extra money to drink something that tastes awful.

Life is stupid.

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