Spoiler Alert because I’m nice like that.
But really, if you haven’t seen the movie yet, you’re just a procrastinator so just go ahead and read this review and synopsis anyway.
The premise of the movie is that Luke has disappeared and nobody knows where he is, except this one weird old guy in the very fist scene who gives a hologram map to this other guy named Po who we’re just supposed to know who he is (he’s apparently a really good pilot). Well, Po puts this super secret map inside his best friend droid (sound familiar?) and the droid runs off into the desert while the First Order (see: The Empire) comes and sets fire to the little desert village town (sound familiar?).
Po gets captured by Kylo Ren, who wears a black cape and mask (sound familiar?) even though, as we later see, his face isn’t burned or disfigured (he’s just really ugly). Meanwhile, one Stormtrooper has a change of heart and defects from the First Order by setting Po free and the two escape on a Tie Fighter back to the desert planet. The Tie Fighter crashes and we think Po dies (we didn’t know him to begin with so whatever). Instead, we watch Finn walk through the desert before happening on a little village where Rey, a scavenger, has found Po’s best friend droid and makes a living selling parts from wrecked spaceships.
When Finn shows up, Rey had just fought off a group of guys trying to rape her (I’m guessing), and the best friend droid then points out that Finn is a bad guy (because he’s black, am I right?). But before they can fight, some Stormtroopers show up and start shooting (and missing, as is tradition). Rey tries to escape with Finn and best friend droid to her ship but it gets blown up. Instead, they run to another ship – the Millennium Falcon (which they didn’t even know that’s what it was) – and win an air fight with some more Tie Fighters before escaping into space (also, apparently Rey knows all about how to fly this thing without any explanation and we’re just supposed to be okay with that).
Eventually the Millennium Falcon gets captured by a bigger ship, but it turns out to be Han Solo and Chewy, doing whatever it is they do. Then there were two gangs on the ship, along with three weird, horribly designed CGI tentacle monsters that eventually kill all the bad guys.
Han takes Rey, Finn, and best friend droid to an earthy looking planet where they walk into a bar that is a wretched hive of scum and villainy (sound familiar?) where Rey then stumbles upon Luke’s old lightsaber. Here’s where we get some backstory. Kylo Ren is Han and Leia’s kid, making Vader his grandfather (because the Skywalkers have more schmeg than the Kardashians), and he was training with Luke before he turned to the Dark Side. Luke got butthurt and disappeared and no one has seen or heard from him for like 20 years. That’s it. That’s all we know.
So eventually Kylo uses his cool interrogation method (basically just holding his hand against your face to telekinetically pull info from your brain) to launch an assault on the Earth planet where everything gets destroyed and Rey gets captured. Finn, after he originally decided to GTFO as far away as he possibly could, realizes he has a crush on the white girl and works with Han and Chewy to go back to get her. (Oh, also Po isn’t dead.)
Oh, by the way, Kylo, General Hux (some Arian looking dude who looks like a younger version of the old General that Vader Force Choked in the first movie), and this really big, bald, wrinkly, hologram of the new version of the Emperor, have all built a giant weapon on a planet – a Death Planet, if you will (sound familiar?). It basically absorbs the power of an entire sun and then launches multiple missile beams at entire planets. They blew up a few planets. It was cool. They then decide to fire it at all the planets where the Rebels were stationed. They said it would take 15 minutes to charge the weapon. Keep that in mind.
Well, Rey discovers she has the Force and Jedi Mind Tricks a Stormtrooper into setting her free. Meanwhile, Han crashes the Millennium Falcon on the snowy Death Planet and goes with Finn to rescue her. Chewy starts setting explosives while outside a fleet of X-Wings try bombing the particle accelerator generator thing (I don’t know what it’s called, but it’s what they decided needed to be blown up, sound familiar?). Then Han sees Kylo (his son, remember) walking on a bridge that goes over a big hole. Han confronts him and the two are standing over the bridge (which doesn’t have guardrails because apparently safety isn’t a big deal; also, have you noticed that NONE of the bridges in these movies have guardrails?).
Kylo is all like “Bro I’m sad, ya gotta help me.”
Han is all like “Yeah dude, I know. Come back to me and your mom and do the whole Light Side thing,” because he’s apparently decided to believe in the Force now.
Kylo then hands over his awesome lightsaber, but doesn’t let it go, and instead turns it on, which goes right through Han, and then he topples over the bridge. THEY KILLED OFF HAN SOLO BECAUSE THEY HATE US. That being said, a little bit of faith in humanity got restored for not spoiling that because that’s a big deal.
Chewy sees Han die and starts going crazy. Shooting happens. Then Finn, Rey, and Kylo are outside having a lightsaber duel. HERE’S WHERE THE PROBLEMS START.
1) It’s been about 20 minutes at this point. The weapon should’ve been charged and fired by now, but it hasn’t.
2) Kylo was trained in the Force for at least 20 years, yet he has the hardest time in a lightsaber duel with Finn and Rey, both of which just picked up the thing the day before and have absolutely zero training.
Meanwhile, the weapon gets messed up and the planet begins to implode on itself. They said it would blow up in 2 minutes.
10 minutes later, Ren defeats Kylo, who had knocked Finn out. Chewy shows up with the Falcon, gets out, picks up Rey and Finn, and they all escape the planet just before it explodes (sound familiar?)
In the end, R2D2, who had been all depressed because Luke disappeared so he had powered down, comes back to life and holograms the map of the universe with the missing piece. Best friend droid rolls over and puts the missing piece up and they find where Luke is. Chewy flies with Rey (who I guess is now replacing Han?) to a watery planet where Rey gets out and climbs a billion stone steps to the top of a mountain where she sees Luke staring out over the ocean. He turns around with his Terminator hand (which was cool), and for the next 2 minutes while everything pulls back, Luke stares at Rey as she holds out his old lightsaber toward him. The end.
And don’t think it wasn’t totally obvious that Kylo somehow comes back for Episode 8 and they start making plans to build a bigger Death Planet. Someone will get their hand cut off, and Rey will probably find out she’s Luke’s long lost kid. But it’ll still be good.
9/10 – I can’t quit you.