I grew up around people who refused to tell their kids about Santa because the idea of Santa was a ploy by the devil to take Jesus out of Christmas even though Jesus wasn’t born in December – but that’s a story for another time. My mom, to the best of her ability, ran with the Santa idea during my childhood, but I was a smart kid. I knew deep down inside there was absolutely no way a single person could do what Santa did. However, I wasn’t about to turn down extra Christmas presents on a technicality, so I ran with it.
This probably reveals a lot about me, because this is how I thought as a 5 year old. In reality, I accepted the premise that a man lived in the North Pole, had a fleet of flying reindeer, and had an entire workforce of elves. Instead, I fixated on the issues people didn’t care to talk about.
5. Visiting Billions of People All Over the World in 24 Hours Is Logistically Impossible
Sure, not every country celebrates Christmas, but even if he started in Australia and worked his way across the globe at night, it would still be impossible. As a child I spent more time than I should have thinking about this. He wouldn’t have had time to stop at every single house in every single country, drop off the presents, eat the cookies, and drink the milk (which is another issue that I’ll get to in a bit). The sleigh would have had to have rockets strapped to the back and Santa would have needed a way to suspend time.
This also didn’t take into consideration outside factors like weather – blizzards or rainstorms – and terrorists, which even I knew at a really young age existed and may have taken exception to a white guy traveling through their airspace.
4. No One Ever Explained How Santa Entered Houses without Chimneys
Along with the other Santa characteristics I generally accepted, I was also fine with the idea of him coming down people’s chimneys. In my mind, if the guy was real, I reasoned that it was a perk of adulthood – that the government would send you a waiver in the mail and you signed off giving Santa permission to drop down your chimney.
I grew up in a house with a chimney and even though I knew it was far too narrow for a fat man to slide down, it didn’t bother me. I just accepted it. But growing up in a rural area, there are a lot of trailer parks without chimneys. I didn’t think about it at the time, but huge skyscrapers in downtown cities are often full of apartments. How did Santa get into those? No one explained that to me because they knew there wasn’t a logical explanation for it.
3. Eating That Many Cookies in One Night Would Kill Him
Because people have unreasonable amounts of time to kill, a chart has been created to show how much Santa consumes in one night. On Christmas Eve (technically early Christmas morning), Santa consumes over 5,500 tons of cookies and 5.9 million gallons of milk, which results in a consumption of over 38 TRILLION CALORIES (this does not take into effect the hippy liberal parents who leave out rice cakes and mineral water because they want their kids to grow up with an unexplainable sadness).
No one man can consume 38 trillion calories in a 24 hour period. Even if he equally shared the love with his reindeer, he would still consume 4.2 trillion calories in one night – that’s impossible. If he didn’t explode based on the volume of food, his body would not be able to process that much sugar and calcium.
2. Landing on the Roof of a House Is Incredibly Difficult
Sure you could have told me he had thousands of years of practice (I also wasn’t sold on the fact he was immortal), but if you’ve ever walked up on the roof of a house, you’d know that the angle from the gutter to the top of the roof is quite steep.
Sure there were several older houses that didn’t have the sharp angle, but most everyone that had a qualifying house with a chimney had a sharp angle on their roof. That means every time Santa needed to land, he had to land the sleigh so it was perfectly balanced along the top ridge while the reindeer had to stand awkwardly on the incline. I didn’t know how physics worked as a small child, but even I knew that wasn’t entirely possible.
1. Santa Doesn’t Manufacture Electronics
It didn’t take long for me to get into video games as a child, and I remember begging and pleading with my Mom for either a Playstation or a Nintendo 64. Eventually, I got the Nintendo and began a stretch of smashing controllers and building worlds that didn’t really exist. The problem was that I knew Santa wasn’t manufacturing these game consoles – the Asians were (I didn’t know which ones yet). So how was Santa doing it? Was he ordering these consoles? If so, how could he afford to pay for hundreds of thousands, if not millions of these things?
Eventually my mom sort of nonchalantly said something along the lines of “Hey you know Santa was really me and your father, right?”
Duh. But I had to keep playing along for my brother’s sake, who by all indications had totally bought in. Still, as a child I was never able to fully believe in the magic of Christmas, which probably explains why I’m so cynical now.