*Disclaimer* These are not actually real instances, so don’t really get offended.
If you haven’t noticed, people get offended very easily these days, and usually over the most inconsequential events like something happening on the other side of the country. Thanks to social media, people can be even more offended than normal because they can group together with more people who got too much love as children and now can’t deal with the real world. The problem with everyone being offended isn’t the fact that they get offended over the smallest things. Rather, it’s that the whole process of taking offense to something is inconsistent.
For example, I could get offended over shampoo commercials showing male models with thick, full heads of hair and claim those shampoo companies are discriminating against me by rubbing in the fact that my head failed at life. I could also be offended by fragrance commercials because they expect me to understand how they make sense.
But I’m not alone here. There’s enough explicit behavior going on to offend everyone in some form or another.
7. Poor People Should Be Offended by Rich People (or Vice Versa)
If you don’t have money, don’t you just feel like a failure when you see someone driving a Ferrari, or maybe just a BMW? On the other hand, don’t you feel that you’re too good to ever go into a Wal-Mart? Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone were on your level. Maybe if people no longer flaunted their money around with their yachts and 60in 4k 3D curved LED TVs, then poor people would feel like such failures.
But maybe if poor people stopped trudging through Wal-Mart with all 4 of their ratty kids and polluting the air with their old Nissans, then rich people wouldn’t feel so guilty for being successful. Socialism would work real well for people who are easily offended.
6. Colorblind People Should Be Offended by Colors
Colors are everywhere. On our skin. On our clothes. On our food. Nearly every iconic brand, if not known by it’s shape, is known by its color. The problem is that 1 in every 12 men and 1 in every 200 women are colorblind. It’s not fair to those people that colors exist because they can’t enjoy the things us normal-eyed people can. They may not know the splendor of the leaves changing in the fall. They can’t enjoy rocking a colorful outfit. They can’t even enjoy seeing wonderful Christmas light displays.
So really if we want to be all-inclusive, everything should be on gray scale or whatever color spectrum colorblind people can actually see. That way we all see the same colors and everyone gets fair treatment.
5. People Who Don’t Have Kids Should Be Offended at Seeing People with Their Kids
I don’t have kids, and seeing people with their kids makes me feel better about my situation because that’s a living person I don’t have to pay for or worry about keeping alive. I’m sure there are heartwarming moments you parents wouldn’t give up for the world, but I’m too busy enjoying being selfish. Instead, the people who should be offended are those who physically can’t have kids. Screw you for shoving your happiness in people’s faces, especially those cursed (blessed) with the inability to have their own kids.
Pregnant women shouldn’t be allowed outside, lest some other poor barren woman see them and be thrown into depression because they’ll never get to experience the mood swings, back pain, and morning sickness that comes with being pregnant. The baby supplies should be kept in a hidden part of the store so those who can’t have kids will never have to see them and be reminded of their own circumstance.
I’m pretty sure you’ve picked up on the direction this is going. Being offended by trivial aspects of life is really pointless. But I’m not done being ridiculous yet.
4. Single People Should Be Offended by Public Displays of Affection
This affects me personally. Every time I go to the mall or out to eat and I see a couple out on a date, holding hands, maybe giving each other a quick little kiss, it hurts because I don’t have that going on. And at the time of this writing, it’s been about 2 years since I’ve had any sort of affection from someone who wasn’t my mother.
So really we should enact laws that make public displays of affection illegal so as not to offend those of us who are unloved by the rest of society. No hugs, no hand holding, and certainly no kissing. And really this law benefits the people who can’t stand seeing gay people together, so it’s a win for everyone who sucks at life.
3. Sober People Should Be Offended by Alcohol
It doesn’t matter that people actually never drink the beer or liquor on TV commercials (Have you ever noticed that? They seriously don’t), alcohol is everywhere. When you go into a restaurant, the bar is usually one of the first things you see. When the waitress comes to your table, the drink specials are usually the first thing she tells you about. There are neon signs for beer all over the walls. There are billboards all along the highways (because that makes a ton of sense). There are even NASCAR drivers sponsored by alcohol because of course.
And I’m not talking about people like me who don’t drink because they’re weird. I’m talking about people who lacked self-control and contracted an “alcohol addiction” like it was herpes or something. And so people who walk around talking about how long they’ve been sober (very similar to how people talk about how long they’ve been cancer free because that’s clearly the same thing) shouldn’t have to be subjected to all of that unnecessary temptation. If we got rid of alcohol advertising, sure the NFL would lose out on a ton of money, restaurants would close their doors, and several TV channels would have to go off the air, but those people who are struggling to live a life of sobriety could rest a little easier at night without all of that evil temptation in their face.
2. College Graduates Should Be Offended by Community College Graduates
I have a master’s degree. Sure it’s in English and sure it’s from East Carolina, but it’s a master’s degree and that means something (at least that’s what I choose to tell myself). But you’re telling me that if I have a college degree, and someone from a community college also has a college degree, even though I spent four more years in school, other people can still technically just say we’re both college graduates? That’s total crap.
This offends me because I took enough community college classes in order to help others graduate that I really should have an associate’s degree in addition to my bachelor’s and master’s degrees, yet people who have an associate’s degree are considered college graduates, too. That’s why people who graduated from a real college should be given a completely different distinction. Or maybe we shouldn’t even call them community colleges anymore. Just call them community schools and those who graduated have their community degree because let’s be honest, they’re not moving far away to start their career. They’re staying right there in the community.
1. Sarcastic People Should Be Offended by People Who Don’t Understand Sarcasm
It’s a scientific fact – people who use and understand sarcasm are better at life than those who don’t. That’s why the one person who gets singled out on CNN about getting offended over something completely benign is almost always a dumb dirtfoot from some poor podunk town.
And yes, I ordered that header the way I wanted to. Those of us who use sarcasm on a daily basis get it. We know when we’re exaggerating a point to make a deeper, more intelligent point. But when one moron who doesn’t get the joke speaks up and other people who don’t get it band together, it totally kills our vibe and we have to apologize and be politically correct. We shouldn’t have to live like that. Send all the stupid people to Canada, they’ll take anybody.