5 Awesome Things About Being Bald

Growing up I always wanted to have long hair like all the best rock stars. I thought chicks dug the long hair, and maybe in the 90s they did. But I soon realized that every time I grew my hair out, it would get a certain length before it began to curl up, including one summer where people claimed I had a “Jew fro.” I don’t think it was that bad. My friends were just really racist.

As I got into college, I realized I’d just have to get haircuts every couple of weeks because the curls just weren’t sexy. Then I noticed the bald spot and an uneven hairline receding faster than a California lake. So I made the decision to Heisenberg myself, and the benefits are fantastic.

5. It Saves Money on Haircuts and Shampoo

I hated getting haircuts to begin with. No such much because of a fear of someone with sharp objects snipping around my ears, but because of the awkward, meaningless conversations you’re forced to have with the person cutting your hair. I know they didn’t care about what I did or what my hobbies were. You cared about getting paid for running your hands through my greasy head (sorry for that, by the way).

Oh you like to write? That's sooo interesting.

Oh you like to write? That’s sooo interesting.

Now that I’m bald, I don’t have to buy shampoo or go to Sport Clips. The only cost to me is a 4-pack of $10 razors that lasts me close to 2 months (so a little over $1 a week to maintain my noggin). On top of that, my cleanly shaved head makes me look like I keep a consistent hygiene routine. That’s a value if I’ve ever seen one.

2. It Makes My Beard and Eyes Look Awesome

Along with wanting a long head of hair, I also wanted a beard. As soon as my face was able, I was growing hair out of it, including a particularly embarrassing summer when the best I could do was grow a set of gross, curly sideburns.

Something like this.

Something like this.

And even though I’ve come to terms with the fact I’ll also never have a thick, full hipster beard. I still have a pretty awesome beard. And when my facial hair is the only hair on my head, it stands out even more and looks even cooler. Couple that with my eyes that tend to change color based on what I’m wearing, it makes me pretty darn sexy.

3. It Makes Me Look More Intimidating

I’ve always been a beefy guy, but being bald makes me look like I’m always ready to break a mofo in half if I had the nerve. If you look at a guy with a thin head of hair and a receding hairline, he looks weak. But the second you shave that off he looks like a gladiator.

Bruce-Willis_hair-pelado_antesydespues.com.ar

The Bruce on the right would so kill the Bruce on the left.

It’s not just something I’m making up, either. There’s science to back it up.

4. It Means No More “Bad Hair Days”

I can’t recall the number of times I’ve woken up or arrived somewhere after driving with the windows down and having an embarrassing chunk of hair in a constant state of misbehavior.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

This guy knows what I’m talking about.

Now that I’m bald, that doesn’t happen anymore. I can ride with the windows down without worry. I don’t even have to look at myself in the mirror anymore because I know that I’m going to look as good as I’m possibly going to look already.

5. It Means I’m Healthier

There’s the general belief that bald men are cranking out so much testosterone that it just eroded the hair right off the top of my head. And while some scientists dispute that by saying my hair follicles are just more sensitive to hormones, at least I know that I’m producing them. What scientists don’t dispute, however, is that my baldness means I’m half as likely to get prostate cancer, and ain’t nobody got time fo dat.

 

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