An Open Letter to Time Warner Cable

Dear Time Warner Cable,

You’re the greatest cable provider of all time. Never in the history of the planet has there ever been a corporation so devoted to providing excellent entertainment and connectivity to the millions of people who give you their money. You are the poster child for doing business the right way.

Just kidding. You suck.

When I lived in Greenville, I got my cable service from Suddenlink. They were phenomenal and reasonably priced. Have you ever heard of Suddenlink? Of course you haven’t! Even Suddenlink has never heard of Suddenlink, but I can guarantee you that they move a lot faster when someone calls them with a problem.

I purchased services from you in October 2014 when I moved to Charlotte without any choice. Why? Because my apartment faces the wrong direction so it can’t connect to the satellites. If I had the choice, I’d easily get Dish or Uverse (except Uverse isn’t yet available in my area). That’s how awful you are. I’m willing to switch to an AT&T service even though everyone says they’re equally as terrible, though I find that hard to believe.

Instead I’ll continue to stay in this toxic, psychologically abusive relationship with you, and you don’t care. Why? Because complaining about my TV and internet service is one of the most white-privilege complaints I can make, so of course complaining about you makes me look just as bad, and you’re probably sitting their rubbing your nipples because my anger fuels you.

south-park-s17e02c05-the-cable-company-runaround-16x9

Never in my life have I dealt with such an awful service. Used car dealers are easier to work with. The fact that you charged me $115 a month just so I can have television and internet is astonishingly preposterous. On top of that, you FORCED me to get a landline just to have my bill that low. Do you know who uses landlines these days? Old people. That’s it. And even most of them have cell phones now, so what’s the point? Are you that out of touch with reality? Why do you still force people to have landlines?

Because you suck, that’s why.

Also, why was a ridiculously high internet speed cheaper with the bundle than the amount I actually needed? I live by myself, I don’t even need 15mbps and yet you gave me double that amount. Why would you so frivolously throw out bandwidth like that to people who don’t need it?

Because you suck, that’s why.

Once I purchased my service bundle at the agreed upon price of $115 per month, you continued to charge me double that amount. Basically you were charging me a la carte for all three services rather than the bundle. Why would you put that many services at that price just to bundle them together for half that amount? Why would you set up your prices like that?

Because you suck, that’s why.

I later found out that someone kept incorrectly putting my information into the system (or maybe they just completely neglected to do it, which is entirely possible) as the reason you kept charging me double what we agreed on. Are your cronies at whatever call center where you enter this sort of information so incompetent that they can’t properly copy information from a form? Why would you hire people like that?

Because you suck, that’s why.

Once we finally got that issue resolved 4 months later, you decided you still wanted to charge me a late fee because I paid my bill 2 weeks early. Are you so used to your customers being insufferable pricks that you just assumed my earliness was extreme tardiness? Why would you have billing policies like that?

Because you suck, that’s why.

All while that was going on, the Cisco DVR/Cable box you provided rarely worked. Shows would never record, and the device was ridiculously slow to operate. When you finally sent a technician out to my apartment (after making me drive 20 miles to the nearest local office to manually exchange the hardware on two different occasions), the technician went through FIVE cable boxes before installing an older model that worked slightly better.

Count those crappy boxes with me. ONE…crap. TWO…crap. THREE…crap. FOUR…crap. FIVE…crap. Why would you send out hardware that was clearly defective?

Because you suck, that’s why.

From then on, several channels had pixelated and glitchy signals on a consistent basis. When I went to technical support, they simply told me to reboot my box. I did this so many times that they actually just started to refer me to the manual troubleshooting section of the website like I was too stupid to know how to reboot my own cable box. I did this daily, and while it resolved the issue for the night, the problem would come back the next day.

This went on sporadically for three months. Sure, you can say it was my fault for not contacting you sooner, but why would I even want to try getting up with you when I’ve had such a horrible experience to begin with? I’m pretty conservative like that. I didn’t want to risk making things even worse because that was a very realistic possibility. Why do you instill that sort of fear in your customers?

Because you suck, that’s why.

I’ll give you this, though, your technicians are great. Do you know why they’re great? Because they have so much experience fixing your crappy hardware that of course they’d be good at their job because practice makes perfect. On top of that, I’ve never met a single Time Warner employee that had a nice thing to say about the company. At best, they’re neutral because they know how awful your stuff is.

I know that I’m wasting my time here. You don’t really care about what I have to say. Did Hitler care about the things all 6 millions Jews he slaughtered said about him? Nope. Why should you be any different than Hitler?

I do hope that when live internet streaming becomes more realistic that your cable service disintegrates, but it probably won’t considering you have 30 million individuals and their families by their balls. Even if that does happen you’ll probably just continue to require people to add on cable and landlines just so they can pay a reasonable price for their internet. Either way – and I hope I’ve made this clear – you’re terrible.

PS – My yearlong service agreement is coming to an end next month and my original sales guy (before he quit because he’s a genius) told me you’d throw out some incentivized offers to get me to stay. I find that laughable. Ball’s in your court though. Humor me.

PPS – Obviously I’m not the first person who feels this way. In fact, watch this video. That is also how I feel about you.

%d bloggers like this: