So because things have been going sooo well for me lately, I thought I’d go back in time to when I actually cared about talking about religion and talk about religion (trust me, that makes sense). See, the problem is that there’s no gray area. Everyone wants everything black and white.
The problem, at least with a lot of people that I’ve encountered, are “all or nothing” when it comes to how they should live their lives according to the Bible, yet they still pick and choose how they do it. Yet, even when asked about it, they dance around the answer and give excuses. It kinda goes something like this:
For the record, I’m staying in Leviticus here because that’s where the overwhelming majority of Biblical law is found. It comes at the time where Moses was leading the insufferable Hebrews through the desert. He realized he needed to come up with some laws. This is what happened.
Obviously, food is probably the most important thing we do at any point in the day, so Moses decided to throw down some restrictions. First, no fat (3:17). This means no fried food, junk food, fatback (you true rednecks know what I mean), and others. Second, no blood (3:17). This isn’t so much a problem for Americans as it is the British and Scandinavians with their blood pudding and blood sausage. Seriously, what?
|Looks like chocolate cake, but trust me, it’s not.|
Next, Moses says that there shan’t be any eating of seafood without fins or scales – so no shrimp, lobster, or oysters (11:10-12). Then Moses gets weird. He says that people shouldn’t eat any eagles, vultures, ravens, owls, gulls, hawks, storks, or bats (as if that was a big problem) (11:13-19). Then he takes it a bit further by saying we shouldn’t eat any flying insects with four unjointed legs, whatever that means (11:20-22). I assume, however, that the Africans are breaking that rule because I watched an episode of Bizarre Foods once.
Lastly, Moses also says not to eat cats or dogs (China, I’m looking at you) (11:27); weasels, rats, or lizards (11:29); or any animal that has a ton of legs or slithers (11:41-42). Part of the reason this is somewhat fascinating is that Andrew Zimmern, host of Bizarre Foods and admitted Jew, has definitely broken all of these rules. How much trouble is he in?
But when it comes to drinking, everything is cool – including alcohol (WHAAAAAATTTT??????) just as long as you don’t drink it in church (I’m looking at you Catholics) (10:9).
This actually surprised me because some of it goes against what I was forced to do as a teenager. First, Moses talks about hair. I was taught that my hair should be kept short and neat, not that it matters now because I don’t have any. However, all Moses says about our hair is that we should never cut our hair at the sides, which is ironic because one of the sticking points of the childhood hair rule was to most definitely make sure it was off my ears (19:27).
Moses also says that trimming our beards is a no-no (19:27). We should all have long beards. Hooray for beards. Meaning every single one of you who shave are an abomination to the Lord. Suck on that.
One of the obvious ones that traditional Christians do still look down on is that Moses said no tattoos (19:28). He also says that your clothes shouldn’t have holes in them (10:6).
Moses also says that blending fabrics is bad (19:19). So basically these cotton/polyester blends make Jesus cry and we should stop wearing them. So pay attention next time you’re in Wal-Mart.
A lot of these are fairly unrelated but definitely noteworthy. I will list them below:
·Touching dirty animals (I assume the ones you aren’t allowed to eat) (5:2).
·Going to church 33 days after giving birth to a boy (66 for a girl) (Seriously, what??) (12:4-5).
·Having sex with your mother, stepmother, sister, granddaughter, half-sister, aunt, biological uncle’s wife, daughter or sister-in-law, a woman and her daughter and/or granddaughter, a woman on her period, your neighbors wife, and animals (I am looking at you so hard, West Virginia) (18:7-23).
|“Almost Heaven.” Yeah I don’t think so.|
·Holding employee wages overnight (meaning we should get paid every day, which I don’t think happens anywhere) (19:13).
·Cross breeding animals (so zonkeys and ligers are an abomination) (19:19).
·Mistreating foreigners (I’m looking at you, Republicans) (19:33-34). However I should note that 25:42 says it’s okay to sell foreigners as slaves. So take that however you want.
One interesting thing here is that this particular part of the Bible says nothing about swearing. Obviously it says not to do it against God (19:12), the deaf (as if they’d know unless you wrote it down and showed it to them) (19:14), or your parents (20:9), but the latter two are more focused on literal curses. Granted, there are other passages throughout the Bible that says you shouldn’t talk bad, but there are no real guidelines or cue words that indicate what that means. I suppose the idea is to go with worldly standards, which doesn’t make sense based on how I was raised. But I digress.
The point I’m making is this: The book of Leviticus was and is a guideline for how Jewish people live their lives. The entire Old Testament is primarily for the Jewish people and really just acts as a prequel for the Jesus stuff. My problem is the hypocrisy. Don’t say you live precisely like the Bible as you shove a BBQ sandwich down your gullet. There’s no shame in “picking and choosing” how you live your life.
I don’t care that much. I had a point and I made it. Now, excuse me while I go shave my head, trim my beard, put on a cotton/polyester blend shirt and head to my Grandma’s to eat an assortment of pig and other banned substances. Either way, I’m not going to hell for it.