4 Logical Reasons Why You Should Just Chill Out with Your War on Christmas

I know what you’re thinking: “Come on, guy, you already criticize everything, why Christmas?” Well, first of all, I’m not your guy, buddy. Second, I’m not criticizing. I’m educating. So strap in.

Every year around this time you tend to see a lot of over zealous religious people get all stuffy when you say “Happy Holidays” or writing “Xmas” instead of “Christmas” because they think you’re taking Christ out of the holidays – even though Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and New Years are all holidays going on this time of year, but no let’s forget those because Jews and black people don’t matter.

The problem is that these people don’t realize that there was a world before Christianity took over and that other people had holidays that we kind of just took over like we did to the Indians. In fact, there’s really nothing originally Christ-y about Christmas.

4. Jesus wasn’t even born on December 25th.

I’ll go ahead and point out the obvious here since most people have come to the realization that it’s true. It’s kind of like how everyone knows Uncle Jimmy used to touch little kids, but we all just kind of live with it now and don’t acknowledge it. Because you can find a lot of excuses online, here are a few reasons this is true:

1. According to the Christmas songs, shepherds were in the fields. Apparently this is a summertime activity.

2. Joseph and Mary went to Bethlehem to allegedly register for a census (though no historical documents support this). Censuses were a summertime activity.

3. Apparently John the Baptist was believed to be about 6 months older than Jesus. Scholars believe he was born in March, which puts Jesus’s birth in September.

Regardless of whatever you want to believe, here are the facts: There’s no birth certificate (thanks Obama), and he most definitely wasn’t born on December 25th. So why do we celebrate Christmas on the 25th? Hold on baby birds…

3. December 25th was originally a pagan holiday.

Don’t believe me? Rather than write it out here, I’ll let Sheldon Cooper explain it.

Basically the Pope was sitting around his throne (or whatever he sits on) and thought to himself: “Hey, we should have a day to celebrate Jesus. And since everyone else is clearly out of their minds, we should just take over their holiday.” And so it came to pass that Christmas was born. The tree, the lights, all of it became somehow associated with Jesus.

Before that, Saturnalia was originally the the celebration of the rebirth of the sun as the Roman god Saturn, also known in other parts of Europe as, wait for it, Yule. This day, as Sheldon pointed out, marked the winter solstice and was met with naked singing in the streets, random fights, and free rape. All legal.

2. The real Saint Nicholas might have been a racist weirdo.

The original Saint Nicholas was a bishop of the Greek Empire and lived in modern day Turkey. Depending on which origin you read (there’s a Dutch, Italian, and a Spanish one), Nick came from Spain with a black helper (coughslavecough). For some reason that isn’t made very clear, Nick travels by steamboat to the Netherlands, where he showered children with gifts for no real reason.

Out of that, a legend was born and Nick’s fame spread throughout Europe. A feast was formed and school children would reenact parts of the bishop’s life. His helper (slave), also came into prominence. Sinterklaas (as the Dutch called him, or maybe the Germans – that looks like one of the effed up words they’d say), was helped by a number of little people dressed in black face – they were known as Black Petes. I assume this got changed to elves because people realized how racist it was.

I also think Saint Nicholas was molesting the children. Why would any man give gifts to random ratty kids? To diddle them.

1. We don’t give gifts because the wise men did.

As a kid, I put two and two together to realize that we exchange gifts at Christmas because the three wise men brought gifts to little baby Jesus. First of all, no. Second, the wise men didn’t get there until Jesus was at least a toddler.

So where’d it come from? Apparently, gift giving was a part of the Saturnalia festival and was only originally carried over to the Christmas side because the most despised people never gave tributes to the Roman government, and this was their way of getting them to do that. Or something. The article I read wasn’t clear.

Regardless, all of it has to do with paganism. And the moral of the story is that before you get all huffy about how everyone is taking Christ out of Christmas, just realize He was never actually there to begin with.

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