DISCLAIMER: Read this article with heavy sarcasm. I realize there are several holes in my reasoning. That’s kind of the underlying point. Calm down.
I have this theory that we as Americans have to constantly be pissed off about something at all times. It doesn’t matter that we live in the greatest country ever in the history of the known universe. After all, since we can’t complain about malaria, food shortages, or evil dictators like those who live in third world countries, we have to really dig deep to make sure we still have the ability to get mad at things that absolutely don’t matter.
That being said, here are five more things we get really upset about that we really shouldn’t…
I might get this one if I was a less informed individual. But if we just took five minutes and looked at what North Korea was really packing, we’d see that they’re just that angry little midget who gets mad when people call him a midget.
On the surface, North Korea’s military looks legit. After all, the propaganda videos they send out make their military out to be a mirror image of Hitler’s gigantic brigade preparing for world domination. And while we do realize that North Korea does have the capability to send a nuclear missile in our direction, there are a couple of reasons why it will NEVER happen.
First, while North Korea does spend the overwhelming majority of its money on its military, the country’s bank is very small. North Korea’s military budget is about $6 billion, which seems like a lot, until you look at South Korea’s military budget, which is over three times that amount. So even if North Korea were to try and start something, their neighbors to the south would immediately squash that.
Second, it’s all about money. We’re so deep with China right now that they really can’t afford to have us blown up by the North Koreans because China needs our money. And even if North Korea were to fire off a nuke at us anyway, the US military has lasers to shoot down missiles now.
Why can’t we go back to the good old days when guys like Aaron Burr, Alexander Hamilton, and Andrew Jackson would settle arguments by going out back and shooting each other?
|“Oh yeah? This is what I think about your proposed budget cuts!”|
The problem with politics today is that everyone is a pansy. We can all talk big, but when it comes down to actually getting stuff done, we kind of just, don’t. It’s turned into a war of words between conservatives and liberals, with the tea party busting in along the way and peeing on everybody. Rather than working together to solve problems, everyone just wants to prevent the other from doing what they want to do.
And it goes well beyond DC. You have guys like Bill Mahr and Rush Limbaugh who perpetuate a sort of idea about the group of people they don’t like, which trickles down to the viewing audience, who continue the trend of painting the other party in such a way that doesn’t help anyone out.
And we’re never going to be able to fix it unless we get someone in there that everyone agrees with, at least a little bit, which isn’t very likely to happen. Instead, we’re going to continue to whine and moan about how Congress gets nothing done and hangs government shutdowns and threats of budget cuts over the general public to get us worried.
Obviously, cheating is bad. But the kind of cheating that people are getting pissed off about is entirely irrelevant. If you’re going into opposing team’s locker rooms and sabotaging equipment or putting ex-lax in their Gatorade before the game, then yeah, obviously that’s not cool. If you’re sending spies out to team practices to see what their signals are, then yeah, you’re a dick.
|“I don’t really see the problem here.”|
But if a player wants to sabotage his own body and roid out, by all means he should be able to do it. It’s not our responsibility to keep him alive. After all, what did Lance Armstrong have to lose? He had already caught cancer, so it’s not like taking steroids and getting cancer again would have shocked him.
You also can’t tell me that when McGwire and Sosa were hitting balls 800 feet out of the park back in the early 2000s that the MLB wasn’t some good television. I don’t care if Roger Clemens was getting poked in the ass with some lab juice to continue being able to throw a 97 mph fastball at age 40. I pay money to see something amazing happen. If you’re going to roll out a 6’2 190 stick figure that can’t even hit the ball out of the infield then I’m going somewhere else.
How much more awesome would the NFL be if you had guys roided out of their minds? Not only are they already angrier, but they’re bigger and stronger. Guys like Wes Welker would get decapitated going over the middle, and it would be the greatest thing ever.
|Imagine this, in a football uniform, about to destroy Tom Brady.|
And don’t spew that BS about how it affects the integrity of the game. Making helmets with padding means the NFL is trying to make it so you don’t get hurt playing football. It’s football. You’re going out there and hitting each other as hard as you can. Getting hurt is part of the game. But no, people think it’s too violent, which brings me to my next point…
You know what relieves a lot of stress? Getting on Call of Duty and picking off a bunch of little 12 year old pricks with a sniper rifle. Seeing a 3D animation of a little soldier guy getting his legs blown off really hits the spot after a long day.
Does this mean I’m going to go out and Sandy Hook the nearest school? No. Why? Because I’m smart enough to know the difference between reality and the virtual world. I’m also not clinically insane. But these entitled morons who get on their little soapbox and say that video games are turning us into violent people clearly flunked out of history class.
|Call of Duty: In the Name of Jesus|
If you really want to curb violence, have EVERYBODY undergo a psychiatric evaluation, and the ones that don’t pass should be banned from buying guns or anything that could be used as a weapon. But then that infringes on basic human rights, and that pisses you off, too, doesn’t it? The fact is that humans are naturally violent. Hell, every living creature is naturally violent. It’s just the way things are. If you can’t handle it, go find a bubble, get in it, and don’t come out.
People have suddenly gotten on this health kick ever since that porpoise Jared from the Subway commercials claimed he got skinny by eating there. Since then, people have been super paranoid about wondering what they’re really eating. Does it matter if your Ikea meatballs are made of horse? Does it matter if your burger has some pink gunk in it?
|Mmmmm, tastes like cow.|
You’re not dead yet, so what’s it matter? You’re going to die eventually, and with the rapid advances in modern medicine, you won’t die until you’re 100 anyway (though if your health insurance dicks you over, then you might not make it to 80).
But ever since the Freedom of Information Act became relevant again under George W. Bush, people have been a little over exuberant when it comes to wanting to know EVERYTHING. Kids can’t even go to school anymore and have a good lunch. No sodas anymore. No “unhealthy” foods. It’s stupid. Parents should be able to let someone else who doesn’t really care regulate their kid for eight hours a day.
And it’s not just being paranoid about what’s in our food, but the poor kids can’t do anything anymore without someone looking over their shoulder. It’s why in a few years we’re going to have adults running around completely lost because they’ve been coddled their entire lives. Parents at my high school didn’t care about what went on, and look how I turned out. Yeah I may be a little crotchety, but at least I can take care of myself and think for myself and not blame other people for things I had full control over.