DISCLAIMER: Take this article as tongue-in-cheek. It’s politically incorrect on purpose. Calm down.
I’ve recently learned that America needs to be pissed off about something at all times. When we got tired of crying about Trayvon Martin, we turned to Jerry Sandusky. When he went to jail, we had the election to whine about. When that was over, we had the Aurora shootings. After that, we had Newtown. Then America got pissed off about the Steubenville rape trials. It’s a never ending cycle. We literally cannot be happy.
|“The amount of pisstivity is too damn high!”|
That being said, there seems to be four things we’re always shoving in each other’s faces on some sort of moral crusade hell bent on changing the world one silicone wristband at a time.
Every day I see something about some form of disease that the general public should be aware of. AIDS awareness, autism awareness, every-cancer-under-the-sun awareness. Here’s the thing: I’m aware of cancer. Everyone over the age of 5 is probably aware of cancer. If there is someone in this country right now who doesn’t know what cancer is, they should be given cancer.
I also don’t understand why we have to run 5ks to show that we’re aware of cancer. Are we so jaded that saying “I’m aware of cancer’s existence, here’s $10” isn’t enough anymore? Now look, I don’t think the Relays for Life or the Komen Foundation are terrible. They’re doing good work. But don’t make me feel like a piece of kangaroo dung when I don’t participate.
|“Not sure why I got dragged into this.”|
My grandma had cancer. So it isn’t like I’m sitting on my pedestal being high and mighty because I’m too good for cancer. Maybe I’m just a dick and don’t fully understand it. Maybe if we just re-branded it. Get rid of all the ribbons. Lose the “awareness” aspect. We’re all aware. How about we just call it “Pay to ease your conscience about contributing to the cure for cancer”?
If I didn’t offend you with my blatant disregard for cancer sufferers, surely my ultra conservative, gun toting friends will write me a nasty private comment here. With all of the recent shootings by crazy people – Virginia Tech, Aurora, Newtown, etc – there has been public outcry from pacifists and hippies wanting stricter gun laws. Certainly the level-headed conservatives wouldn’t overreact and freak out and claim that the Dems were trying to take their guns away, right?
The 2nd amendment says: “…the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”
|Clearly, this is what the founding fathers meant.|
This means that the government CANNOT and WILL NOT take your precious guns away. The only way that happens is if the federal government passes a new amendment repealing the 2nd amendment. And if you have no idea how that works, 38 states have to agree to ratify the constitution. This means at least 13 states would have to disagree and you can bet your sweet ass the Bible belt is going to be up in arms (see what I did there?) if any sort of amendment comes that close to being ratified. So you have nothing to worry about.
The issue is this: People are perfectly well within their rights to own guns. Guns don’t kill people. You are correct, overly zealous redneck who forms weak arguments. Handguns, shotguns, hunting rifles – they’re all fine. But let’s be honest here. Who really needs an M16?
|“But I need it for the zombie apocalypse.”|
The answer: NOBODY. What needs to be done is what no one really wants to say. If you want to buy a gun, get screened to prove you aren’t crazy or mentally unstable. The things people want to change are the ways in which we acquire guns. I’d rather jump through 30 hoops, audition for “Dancing with the Stars,” and eat a jar of pickled cow tongue as long as it assures me that some crazy meth head in Alabama isn’t going to get a gun and mow down a field of migrant workers.
|“Der turk err jerbs!!!”|
You also don’t need an entire cache of ammunition. Unless you’re in an episode of The A-Team, you don’t need 40 rounds to go kill Bambi. And if you do, you should probably take up a new hobby, because you suck. So rest easy, Necks. Your guns will forever be safe. You may have to work a little harder to get your next gun, but isn’t hard work one of the foundational principals you live your honest, hard working life by?
Somewhere along the way we got detached as a society. Somewhere along the way we decided that we weren’t going to let people work for things anymore. Somewhere along the way we thought it would be a good idea to get pissed off about people who asserted dominance over others.
Before you jump off your moral high horse and down my throat, let me explain to you why all of the anti-bullying campaigns are a gigantic waste of time. Bullying will never die. Why? Because it’s a societal way of establishing dominance. Seniors “bully” freshman to assert dominance, who, in turn, grow up to be seniors who “bully” the new freshmen. It’s a cycle.
|“You have to eestableesh domeenance.”|
Is it unfortunate? Sure. Was I bullied? You betcha. But guess who isn’t killing himself because Big Ronnie shoved me into a locker? ME. However, at some point in time adults decided they were going to stop letting kids work to succeed. A majority of adults just want to hand their kids everything because they’re so tenderhearted. They remember how hard they had to work and their inherent laziness prevents them from making their kids do the same.
It’s the “everyone gets a trophy at the end” society. You get an award for basically just showing up. You can be the fat piece of crap at the end of the bench who only plays while the team is already up 40 and everyone in the stands treats you like you have Down’s and cheers uncontrollably when you make a shot, which brings me to my last point…
1. Offensive Words
We’ll stick with the two main examples that really piss people off: “retard” and “fag.” South Park had an episode where the kids were throwing around the word “fag” and the gay people in the community were getting upset. However, the kids were using the word to denote annoying Harley riders, which, if you’re honest with yourself, is how 90% of the country uses that word (or some variation of someone who is annoying).
I can understand “retard” being offensive, but it’s such a fun word to say. Regardless, typically the people who get upset at the word are those who are really outspoken about gender and racial equality. Yet here’s the contradiction: you want equality, yet you single out people for having mental disabilities, treating them differently because of it.
Now I’m not so stupid to walk up to a kid with cerebral palsy and call him a tard, and I’m not going up to a gay person and calling him a fag. I get that there are negative connotations behind the words and that saying certain words in certain contexts to certain people is bad. I really do get it. But let’s be honest with each other here: if you’re taking the time to get upset over one little word, you might need to reevaluate your priorities in life.
Lighten up. Have fun. Stop being paranoid. It’s a game of “He Who Cares the Least.” If you let people know something offends you, they’ve already won. It doesn’t matter that your lack of action is just allowing a bigoted person to continue to live. You can rest assured that his future child will probably come out gay and mentally challenged and mow down a field full of migrant workers, and he’ll have to live with it while you do whatever you do.