To be fair, for those that read my previous piece about passages from the Bible that got cut, I made it seem like the Bible was a rosy happy-go-lucky epic story about the history of the Jews and the awesomeness of Jesus (in fact, that’s exactly what I said). However, because I’m an awesome writer, I’m going to have the Bible’s back now.
See, when we were kids, we were told about David and the cute cuddly lions that became his best friends rather than doing what lions and other cats actually do (nothing); about Noah and the ark and how not one of those animals mutilated him; about David and Goliath and how one perfectly placed pebble can kill a 7 foot tall man; and Jonah and the only fish in history that ate something bigger than a smaller fish. All great for kid’s stories; however, there are R-rated, gory, unadulterated sections of the Bible that read like they’re straight out of a Rob Zombie script; and that is truly awesome.
These are stories that actually made it into the Bible – the King James Bible for all you hardcore Christians out there – that paint a different picture of those crazy, lovable Jews.
And when the ass saw the angel of the Lord, she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam’s anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff. And the Lord opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, “What have I done unto thee, that thou has smitten me with these three times?” And Balaam said unto the ass, “Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.” And the ass said to Balaam, “Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? Was I ever wont to do so unto thee?” And he said, “Nay.”
Why It’s Insane: I’m starting you off with an easy one; but trust me, it gets way worse from here. Basically, if you can’t decipher that Old English gibberish above, that’s a story about a donkey who got tired of his master beating him like a slave and decided to speak up about it.
Balaam was a Moabite prophet sent by King Balak to curse the Israelites who were annihilating every civilization around (in the name of God). With a group of the king’s messengers, Balaam was on his way to talk to the Israelites when an angel appeared before him. Balaam, too busy texting and riding didn’t see the angel, but his donkey did. Donkey stopped abruptly and sent Balaam through the windshield because he wasn’t wearing his seat belt.
Balaam, obviously pissed at the donkey for stopping too quickly, hit it with his stick, and a conversation occurred:
Eeyore: “Why’d you hit me?”
Balaam: “Because you made me look stupid in front of my friends. If I had a sword I’d kill you.”
Eeyore: “I wish you would. Life sucks. I have to carry your fat carcass around the hot desert all day. Death seems like a good idea.”
|The first draft of this piece had Donkey from Shrek playing the part, but that seemed a little too racist.|
In the end, the Moabites got slaughtered and the Israelites lived happily ever after, for like a day. Then they started complaining again.
So I prophesied as I was commanded: and as I prophesied, there was a noise, and behold a shaking, and the bones came together, bone to his bone. And when I beheld, lo, the sinews and the flesh came up upon them, and the skin covered them above: but there was no breath in them. Then said he unto me, “Prophesy unto the wind, prophesy, son of man, and say to the wind, ‘Thus saith the Lord God; Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe upon these slain, that they may live’.” So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived, and stood up upon their feet, an exceeding great army.
Why It’s Insane: This is one of those passages we were told about as a kid and thought absolutely nothing of because it was cleaned up and made into a catchy song (“Dry Bones,” look it up). There’s one problem with that – if you didn’t bother reading the above passage, here’s what happened:
The prophet Ezekiel is hanging out at a mass grave, one where dead people were just thrown away like a human landfill. God wanted to have some fun and told Ezekiel (who many thought was crazy to begin with) to start preaching to the dead people. So Ezekiel did. Slowly but surely, the pile of bones began to take on flesh and life – Zombies. There were so many of them that the Bible referred to them as an “army.”
|Think of the minds that were blown when this happened.|
A zombie army in the Bible = awesome. But we’re done with awesome. It gets progressively worse from here…
And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. And the firstborn said unto the younger, “Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve the seed of our father.”
Why It’s Insane: INCEST! THAT’S WHY. Now, I get it. It doesn’t matter what you believe, incest is a part of human history. We don’t like to admit it, but it happened. We had to procreate somehow, and if your sister was the only one there, then it had to happen.
|“Maybe if we don’t talk about it, it will just go away.”|
See, Lot was that character in the Bible who just couldn’t catch a break. Even though Lot was typically a good dude, he was just…stupid. Even though he is in Jesus’ line of decent through David (David’s great-grandmother was Ruth, who descended from Lot’s son Moab), we all remember Lot for having to get bailed out by Uncle Abraham during the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, which were two towns who were inhabited by people who had sex with anything regardless of whether or not it had a pulse.
|I mean sure, if you’re into that sort of thing.|
One episode that seemingly gets glossed over occurs late in Lot’s life. He’s old, and he apparently had no sons up to this point. His two daughters, who were just being obedient (and really horny), saw the problem: “Who will inherit Dad’s money and goats and stuff?” So, they put him in a cave, got him blackout drunk, and did the dirty with him – straight up West Virginia style.
And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel.
Why It’s Insane: Before I get started: No, this didn’t happen like you might think. These two didn’t have a fight, and the boyfriend wasn’t the one who killed her. The story is much sadder than that.
The guy and his girlfriend were traveling and needed a place to stay. They found someone nice enough to give them a room and hunkered down for the night. Later, a group of men showed up and demanded that the landlord GIVE THEM THE BOYFRIEND so they can have some fun with him Deliverance style.
|“Mmmm…we gon’ have fun wit choo, boy.”|
When the landlord refused, he offered his virgin daughter for them to rape, to which the men refused, but instead asked for the girlfriend, to which the landlord agreed. After the men physically destroyed the poor girl, she crawled back to the room and died at the doorstep.
When the boyfriend woke up and found her dead body, he decided rather than burying her, he would cut up her body and mail her all over Israel like the angry gay Canadian porn star who killed his lover.
And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, “Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.” And he turned back, and looked upon them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
Why It’s Insane:So Elijah is walking to Bethel one day, minding his own business, when a huge group of snotty douche bag kids come out and start accosting the poor man. Either these kids were really good at running smack, or Elijah was a softy. My interpretation is that Elijah couldn’t handle it because all the Bible gives us is that the kids were calling him “Baldy” and other names referring to his lack of hair.
Elijah, likely with tears in his eyes and in serious need for some sort of anti-bullying campaign, cursed the kids. Immediately, a bear came out and massacred all 42 kids.
Think that’s bad? That’s nothing compared to what David did…
And Saul said, “Thus shall ye say to David, ‘The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king’s enemies’.” But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well to be the king’s son in law: and the days were not expired. Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave him in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.
Why It’s Insane: First, the back story: King Saul had a daughter, Michal, who David fancied and really wanted to bang. Saul, who was a major douche bag, told David to do one thing, and if he did it, he could marry his daughter.
What was that one thing? Oh nothing, just go out and get him 100 Philistine foreskins (i.e., 100 slabs of Philistine man meat, tally whackers, dongs, schlongs, peckers…I think I’ve made my point).
|Maybe this was the one thing he wouldn’t do for love.|
Now, we all know Saul didn’t like David, but this story leaves way too many unanswered questions: Why would Saul make such a bizarre request? Was Saul secretly gay? What did he want with 100 Philistine sausage casings? Was it a weird, Looney Tunes-style way of getting David killed? Why not just actually kill him? How do you even get 100 Philistine foreskins? At what number in the process of slicing these foreskins do you question yourself What are the rest of the Philistines thinking at this point?
Anyway, because David was one of the greatest people ever (like, he’s on Teddy Roosevelt’s level), not only did he do the job without hesitation, he brought back 200 Philistine foreskins – twice as many as Saul requested. This chick must have been hot. Like, Kate Upton hot.
|I might go hack some ween to marry her…might.|
What did we learn today, kids? The Bible is actually kind of awesome, you just have to read it closely, and probably find a translation you can actually understand.