5 Eye-Opening Reasons You Probably Suck at Life Right Now

*cracks knuckles*

If you’re in college right now, heads up. This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. Just kidding. But seriously, prepare to have the hammer thrown down.


I know this might come as a surprise to some of you who are aware of the things I’ve been through before. After all, you would likely make a valid point when you ask: “Who are you to talk about people who suck at life when you couldn’t have done worse if you tried?”

And to that I say, duh. I’ve sucked at life before, and now I don’t. Yeah. I’m pretty awesome now, just in case you hadn’t noticed. Which is why you should probably see what I have to say. After all, would your fat carcass take weight loss advice from someone who worked hard and lost 300 pounds, or Mr. Universe who popped out of his mom’s cooter already bench pressing 135? Exactly.

Yeah, kinda like this.
So, with that said, heed these warnings before someone slaps you.


5. You Think the World Is Out to Get You.

SPOILER ALERT! The world is actually not out to get you. You have not been placed in a position to fail. In fact, and I know this may come as a surprise, but you have been put in the place you are in because whoever is in charge saw enough potential and competency in your sorry tuckus to put you there. If you fail, then they look bad. Not you (to a degree).


So if you’re going around crying about how you can’t do your job because the higher ups are holding you down and preventing you from doing it because they’re on a sadistic power trip, you should probably take a step back and re-evaluate your premise. To play Devil’s advocate here, that’s part of the perks of being a higher up. You can deuce all over the people below you because you’re better and smarter than them. Could the potential exist for you to actually be better and smarter than your superiors? Of course it does, but you’ve got to work to prove your worth. And you haven’t done that yet.

“Yeah if you could just quit whining, that’d be great.”

If you want the opportunity to poopoo all over people below you, shut up and work harder. After all, you kinda crap all over people below you already. If you think you’re being treated like you’re stupid by people above you, I guarantee you’re treating the people below you like they’re stupid. How do I know? Because I hear people talk about those below them, about those they’ve been placed in charge of. It’s all hypocritical.


4. You Think Things Are Too Hard Now

If that’s the case, you should probably reconsider your life choices and maybe think about working at McDonald’s for the rest of your life, mindlessly flipping what they claim to be cow onto what they claim to be bread. Because guess what? It’s only going to get more complicated from here.

How’s that MA working out for you?

See, right now, you have a job. You may also even be a student. Here’s the thing, the job you have now is mild compared to what you plan on doing for your career. It is, at the very least, easing you into the full time work force. You are essentially riding down the street with the training wheels on. When you graduate, the training wheels come off and you get kicked into the highway to fend for yourself. If you can’t handle what you’ve got going on now, you should probably go do something else.


But, by all means, if you want to sit around and complain about how you’re being worked to death, go right ahead. Because it makes me and others around you realize just how unfit for this position you truly are. It also helps me feel better about my own career choices – like how I’m not screwing myself over in the long run because I have my big boy pants on and can do things on my own.


And probably the reason you cry and complain and have organized crying sessions with other ill-prepared colleagues is because…


3. You Think People Actually Care.

While you may have a couple of truly dear and close friends, the majority of people that come in contact with you on a daily or weekly basis could not care less if you suddenly fell off the face of the earth. I mean that. Why? Because each and every single one of us have lives of our own. We have our own problems to deal with. And while we may take a half hour out of our day to talk you down off the ledge and listen to your petty problems about how your cat smeared runny poop all over the bathroom floor or how the students you teach are so dumb they border on mental retardation, we actually end up walking away not feeling sorry for you, but proud of how we’ve turned out.


Here’s the thing: maybe it’s you. Maybe you suck. Maybe your cat smeared runny poop all over the bathroom floor out of pure spite. Maybe the students you teach are retarded because you can’t convey the points in an articulate manner so that they can understand them.

If things really bother you, you can do what I do and create a blog, write about things that bother you, and pretend more than four people read it and pretend to enjoy it. It’s quite therapeutic. But in the end, it won’t matter. You’ll live your life in a constant state of stress and agony because…


2. You Don’t Manage Your Time.

I’ve never, ever had a problem with getting things done on time. Why? Because I’m awesome. I also know how to differentiate between work and play, as well as always knowing what was expected of me. See, while America may be the land of the free and home of the Whopper, you are not, and most likely never will be your own person 100% of the time. You will always be answering to someone.


When I was campus, I knew I had things to do and expectations to live up to. And I went into business mode and got them done. When I got back to my apartment, I could be me. I could choose to do whatever I wanted to do. I could kill zombies, play music, or bathe in a pool of chocolate.

The problem is that a lot of people don’t get that. They don’t have the ability to compartmentalize their lives. They just blend everything together. They take work home. Suddenly, home isn’t really home. It’s a place where you do more work, except with more cats.


I swear if people just took the time to block off portions of their day to get their work done, then their lives would be infinitely better. If that means you have to get up an hour earlier to go get stuff done, so be it. I have to do it sometimes. But at the end of the day, I’m not sitting in a bar drinking piss water and lying to myself by saying my life is great and that this is really what I want to do. You know why you’re like that? Because…


1. You’re Selfish.

When you finally realize the world doesn’t revolve around you and, even better, that you’re nothing more than the squeaky apple fart of a neutrino in the realm of time, things kinda fall into perspective. After all, who are you to be special? You are a __________________ (that’s where you insert what you are). See, I not special. I have a good job, in a cool city, with a growing social network. I’m not changing the world.


When you stop assuming you’re special, you learn to just live life. Very few people really care about what’s going on in your life. There will be a handful that do, and another handful that pretends to. But when you quit trying to have pity parties for yourself about the most menial aspects of life, you begin to get respected and people start to gravitate toward you and genuinely begin to take an interest in your life.


Until then, you suck. A lot.
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